I’m back in the states after blowing through all of my $4,000 and a bit more, putting me in credit card debt. I know that I should have been more responsible with this inheritance, except I honestly had no role model to look up to or adult figure to tell me how to save funds. I feel like if I had gone to college, I would have learned how to save or become more self-controlled with money. Paris was great but I came to a horrific conclusion: In Paris I was the same person as I was at Abercrombie, a woman in disguise. What more are we as women than dolls to dress up? We are a product of disguises that we adopt throughout our lifetime. I though costuming myself as a wealthy woman was harmless, but really, it did more harm than good.
Going to Paris made me realize that I was treating myself like an object and placing my body in a situation where it was making astatement that I am merely what I dress up to be. Although I put on somewhat of a mask when I worked at A&F, I am angry at doing this to myself outside of a job. I gave in to the temptation of feminine markers and symbols that appear to make others wealthy. I think that being surrounded constantly by shoppers making purchases, built this need in me to purchase as well though I did not have the economic stability to do so.
I am no better than Rachel Zoe and I am no better than Abercrombie & Fitch. I have put myself in a detrimental situation of poverty by allowing myself to be a tool in mainstream society’s obsession with consumerism and appearance. Now I am without a job and without a backup plan. For once in my life I am wishing that I had a man to support me. I’m wishing that I encompassed that female intuition of Miss Jay’s that makes me prone to doing everything to please a man just so I can survive. This is a low moment in my life where I find myself even contemplating prostitution because the pay is much more sufficient than minimum wage. I can’t believe it has come to this.
